We All Have Our Moments

We all have our moments of doubt. Those please-go-away moments when you have so many what-ifs swirling in your mind that the negativity just consumes you.

I'm a positive person. Anyone that knows me in real life can vouch for that. I have an optimistic outlook on most things and always try to see the silver lining.

But, we all have our bad moments. Or days.

Today at a little after 3 o'clock, I had a bad moment. 

I can't, at this moment, disclose the exact source of my worry. ( I will SOON!) But, I went from all smiles to pressing tears after just one simple thought: What if something goes wrong?

That one thought sent five million horrible scenarios and daunting what-ifs straight to my already overwhelmed brain. I sat there, thinking about everything that could go wrong, reasons why we didn't deserve this, and how it was just too good to be true. 

Why, oh why, do I do this to myself? My stress level went through the roof, I couldn't hold the tears back, and I just laid on the couch, pressing my face into the couch pillow. I tried so hard to just calm down. Was I seriously just laughing and smiling three minutes ago? I have a problem.

As I was wallowing in self-pity and creating an unimaginable amount of unnecessary stress in my own head, I heard my almost-five-year-old daughter calling my name.  

Great. She's not going to nap again and she's going to wake the baby up. My sour mood was not making me a very patient or nice Mom. 

(Before I go on, a little piece of info: Gracie has imaginary friends. She talks to them a lot. She also has a wonderful light in her heart and ever since we talked to her about God, she grasped the concept and ran with it. Now, she absolutely loves 'talking to God' and we often hear her late into the night and during naptime talking.)

I stalked down the hallway, sighing and ready for a battle with my rarely-takes-a-nap daughter. I opened her door and saw her sitting up in her bed with a big smile on her face. The smile softened me a little.

"Babygirl, it's naptime. I know you aren't tired, but you know Paisley and Reilly are. If you don't want to go to sleep, at least be quiet so that they can, OK?"

She looked at me innocently, with those big brown eyes that seem to be filled with so much more knowledge than her age should allow. 

"Momma, I just need to tell you something. He says I have to."

"Ok, Gracie. What do you need to tell me?"

"Mom, do you still talk to God?"

That caught me off guard. I didn't know where she was going with that question, but I really just wasn't in the mood for her little games. (I know, I sound horrible. :( )

"Uh....yes? Look, Sweetheart, it's really time for a nap. C'mon, get under the covers and just close your eyes for a little while."

"No, Mom, wait. He just wants you to talk to Him."

"Who wants me to talk to who?"

"God. He makes me happy when I talk to Him and if you talked to Him, you'd be happy, too."

Whoa. I was not expecting that. Her big I-know-something-you-don't-know smile and her tiny hand reaching for my frozen body to give me a comforting rub, brought out tears. Whether they were tears of joy and wonder or fear and confusion, I don't know. How did she know I needed this? Did He tell her?

Whatever the case, she was right. I haven't prayed in weeks. I've held all of this stress, worry, and even anger inside of me. It's eaten me up. I don't have to or need to carry this around with me. And, I certainly don't have to do it alone. 

I leaned down and scooped her up into a big hug. She giggled. I cried. This is not the first time she's ever said things like this in a time of need. She is always giving me words of encouragement from the Man Upstairs. Whether they're coming from her or Him doesn't matter - they help me. And she loves it.

I tucked her into bed, kissed her forehead, then went to the living room, dusted off my Bible, sat down at the table and prayed. I ignored my phone vibrating, my laptop beeping at me. It's amazing how quickly I felt the weight lifting off of my heart.

The way that I pray is just talking. We all have our own way. For me, I sit down, close my eyes, take deep breaths and then just spill. Whispering, crying, laying it all out for Him. Then, I turn to the Bible and drink in every word. 

After having my much overdue moment with Him, I checked on the kids (who are all asleep now!) and then sat down and wrote this.

Everything is not all figured out yet. There's still a lot that is up in the air with our situation. But, I know we'll make it. We always do. Until then, I'm just going to relax, resting assured that's what meant to be will find a way. And, even if things don't go as we planned, we will be OK.

Now, for any of you rolling your eyes and thinking this isn't real or that it's just stupid, PLEASE do us both a favor and unfollow, unfriend, and leave me the heck alone. 

Do I believe she's actually having a conversation with God? YES. Wholeheartedly. IS she, really? Who knows! But, this relationship has comforted her and made her happy. And, whether it's her or God saying those things, it doesn't matter.

I know this type of post is not everyone's cup of tea. I'm aware that there are many different views, beliefs, etc. You don't have to share my beliefs, but at least respect them and don't post anything negative!

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XOXO,

Marissa

UPDATE: Feb. 2, 2013 - found an awesome new blog hop & linked this post to it! Check it out here.