Monday, December 31, 2012

There are no words.

My husband left for work at 6 am. On a normal morning, I'd go back to sleep (my kids sleep in fairly late) for a few more hours before starting my day. Sometimes, I get up and have some me time - check email, FB, Twitter, clean up, what have you. This morning I couldn't go back to sleep, but my younger siblings spent the night and they're all sprawled out in my living room and I didn't want to wake them this early. So, I laid in bed and played on Twitter & FB. A friend of mine posted a link to a blog with the words, "Must read if you're a parent to little ones". I clicked on it, and was not prepared for what I read.

I urge you to take a moment to read it. I laid there in total darkness in my room, with only the light from my phone and sobbed while reading it. I'm not talking about a few tears, either. It was the hard to breathe, nose stopped up, body shaking, SOBBING

Why does life go on when something like that happens? Doesn't it make sense for the world to just shut down and mourn with you? Why does this kind of thing happen? Why? I'm just a reader, a fellow mother reading the story, yet there's a million questions swirling in my head, my heart aching, for this family. After I got up to blow my nose, I went into my daughters' room. Gracelyn was sleeping peacefully and for one morbid, horrible moment, I realized her still, beautiful body could be lifeless - she could be dead. For a half second, I thought about how I'd feel if I was standing there at that moment looking at her and she wasn't breathing. How would I react? That heartbreaking, half second of pretend caused a strangled sob to escape my lips before I could run to her bed and scoop her up. Of course, waking her out of a dead sleep startled her and she gasped and clung to me, not knowing what was going on. I laid her back down on the bed without letting her out of my arms and laid with her. Feeling her breathe, smelling her hair, just holding her. I was surprised at how quickly she fell back asleep. I laid there, holding her and crying. I tried to stop myself because I knew how confused she would be, but I couldn't stop. I whispered, "I love you, Bug. I love you so much." Her light snore let me know she was asleep, but a few seconds later, she rolled over in my arms, breathing into my chest and wrapping her arms around my neck and softly breathed, "Love you, Momma.", and nestled closer to me. I silently prayed and thanked God for my three healthy, beautiful, breathing children and sent a prayer to Meghan's mother on this cool morning. I don't know her, I've never seen her face, and I've only just this morning read anything about her, but I love her. I love her and wish I could comfort her. I wish I could sit and cry with her, pray with her, just be there. I cannot imagine her pain. I don't want to try. 

Meghan's story has hit me right in the heart. I have three kids running around here. They all have furniture in their rooms that could kill if it fell on them. Why is it all not secured to the wall? Reilly, my son, climbs on stuff all the time. Paisley has just mastered crawling on top of the couch and coffee table - she, too, could climb on the big shelf in hers and her sister's room and it could easily fall on her. Knowing all of this, WHY HAVE I NOT DONE SOMETHING? Thanks to Kimberly writing through the pain to try to raise awareness for the dangers in our homes, to help prevent heartbreak from happening in other families, I will do something about it. Not next week, not on payday, not tomorrow. TODAY.

We will spend the majority of our day outside playing (if the weather permits, that is) or watching movies and playing in the living room. But, they will not be allowed to play in their rooms until Raymond gets home and can secure their furniture tonight. 

 Look around your homes. Is there anything your child can climb on that can fall on them? A dresser? A tv? Even a nightstand? Secure it. Secure it today. TODAY.

I leave you all with this: Hug your children, love them, cherish them. For there are so many parents of angels wishing they could do the same. But, heaven is just too far away...


Thursday, December 27, 2012

One of Those Days..

  First, I wake up to my 16 month old standing in her crib, on top of her pillow, WITHOUT a diaper. Of course, she peed. A lot. Not just on her pillow, but all over the crib. Grab her, take her to the bathroom, give her a quick bath. Diaper & dress her, go into the kitchen, strap her into her booster seat with a banana & go to strip her crib and throw it into the wash. 
   Normally, it wouldn't suck so bad, but a couple months ago our dryer broke (y'know, the one we JUST paid off in February. Ugh.) and we still haven't bought the piece we need to fix it. So, I either have to hang dry everything or drive to my Grandma's down the road and use her dryer. Seeing as how 1) It's FREEZING outside so I doubt it'll dry the clothes out on the line. And, 2) We're a one vehicle family and my husband is at work, so there's no way to take the clothes to my Grandma's until after 7 pm. This happened at 8 am. I decide to think about that later and just go ahead and get the day started.

   Log into my email and then check the bank like I always do. NEGATIVE BALANCE. WHAT?!?! There's NO way. This was a good, cushioned check with lots of breathing room. This is a mistake. Hurriedly check the history on the account and once I see what's wrong, I FREAK. Two loan payments that were supposed to be deferred, as our December payments always are (for the past 5 years), thanks to a great friend and VP of our bank as a "Christmas gift", was all taken out of the account. I call my husband at work, freak out, cry; he's not at a computer, but he promises to take a break and call the bank to get it all figured out. 

  While I'm on the phone freaking out, my son wakes up and asks if he can pour his own milk in his cereal like a big boy. Normally, I'd say yes and then supervise, but he asked at the moment when I was half paying attention and still freaking out to my husband, so I didn't actually process his question and just nodded my head. Fast forward a half minute and CRASH. I jerk my head from my computer screen, drop my phone, and turn to the kitchen - spilled milk, scattered cereal, and a broken glass bowl that he's not even supposed to use in the first place. He immediately starts crying, I grab by phone, hurry a 'okay, gotta go, call me on break. Love you, bye' to my husband and pick my son up to comfort him and let him know it was my fault and that he's not in trouble. Thankfully, I have awesome dogs that pretty much cleaned up the food mess faster than I could start on cleaning it, so all I had to do was pick up the pieces of the bowl and swirl a wet dish rag on the floor a couple times. Done. 

   I quickly get my son a new bowl of cereal, see that Paisley is done with her banana and toss a few cut up strawberries onto her tray and realize my oldest daughter isn't up yet. I walk down the hall, hear her talking and open the door to see that she's used her new nailpolish and painted on her table in her room. She tries to explain that she was painting her friends' nails (yes, she has an imaginary friend, and boy, that's a WHOLE 'nother post) and just hands me her bag of make-up (that her lovely Nana got her for Christmas). At that point, I didn't even have the energy to reprimand or ask her WHY she even had her make-up out in her room without asking. I got her set-up with breakfast and just laid on the couch. 

   Throughout the day, it's been equally as hectic thanks to my toddler who has just learned how to climb and is on top of the coffee table, picnic table we use for home-preschool, couch, you name it. On a normal day, none of that would have bothered me a super lot, but for some reason, I've been in a HORRIBLE funk all day, even before any of that started, which made my reactions to the chaos THAT much worse. Which, in turn, makes me feel terribly guilty. It's not their fault that I'm having a bad day, so why am I taking it out on them? I hate being short with them or not up for playing. I'm hoping that once my husband gets home from work tonight, I can sit down with my cheap wine and read my favorite book that I just restarted, Scarlett. The fact that this is my husband's three day weekend coming up helps to relieve some of this stress. 

   And, for anyone wondering, I did get a call this afternoon from my husband, letting me know that everything with the bank was figured out & there's nothing to stress over with that. Thank you, Baby Jesus, 'cause I hate being broke! I'm hoping to come back tomorrow with a better attitude and be rid of this annoying, woe-is-me bull. Until next time! 


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

New Blogger! Where's My Welcome Party?

So, I did it. Finally, after years of wanting to, talking about it, and being an avid blog reader myself, I've started one. Yay for me! :) Now comes the hard part... keeping up with it. Also, why didn't anyone tell me how easy it is to start?! I would have done it long ago.

I started this just to have a place where I'm able to ramble, be myself, express my opinions, and brag about my awesome crew. Welcome to my world. Stay a while, browse around, leave a comment, do what you please. Just be nice.